dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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