im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
