Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
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I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
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He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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