I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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