I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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