peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
