Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
