Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
