I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
