Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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