Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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