Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
