I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
