Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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