1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
