dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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