I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
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