We named our party play list daddy issues
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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