I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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