my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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