What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
