hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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