Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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