Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
