I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
