LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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