I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
