my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
