Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
