yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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