She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
