Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
