____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
