Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
