Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
