Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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