you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
