I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
