I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
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I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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