all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
