I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Randomize
