I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
