Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
