Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
