My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
