EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize