if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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