its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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