We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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