You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
