I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
