i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Randomize
