You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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