It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
