I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
