On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
