Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
