the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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