Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
