Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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