Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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